Mentally, I rolled my eyes, recalling a recent new-agey workshop experience:  There I was, in the Oregon wilderness, uncomfortably skirting the outside of a giant group hug with 20 weeping strangers, while an instructor encouraged us to yell “I LOVE MYSELF”.

Furthermore, self-loathing?  Sure, I beat myself up sometimes over things, but come on, loathing?  The words seemed far too extreme to be applicable to me. I don’t hate myself. I should just be thinner, more compassionate and have a cuter boyfriend.

I don’t have a problem with self-aggression. I just have very high standards, and I sometimes don’t measure up, that’s all. I’m not into self-violence. I sometimes just beat myself up for not being better than I am.

You get my point.

But I agreed to engage in the role-play, if only to satisfy my therapist’s needs.  But I still didn’t get it.

A few weeks later, I was having a conversation with a beautiful woman who was considering enrolling in Twist’s teacher training program. A mother of five, she had spent the past 20 years taking care of others, and was ready to do something for herself – thus the teacher training. She explained her concerns over a cup of coffee at Red Twig:  She didn’t think she was good enough at yoga. She wasn’t sure she was ready.  She was concerned she would hold others back and take up too much of the instructors’ time.  Despite wanting to take the training, her self-doubt & self-loathing were talking herself out of it.

The conversation was like holding up a mirror to my own behavior.  In an instant, it was totally clear:  Part of self-loathing is discouraging ourselves from growth and happiness; something that we would never do to the ones we love.  This is the essence of ahimsa, non-harming:  We would never speak to others the way we talk to ourselves.  Would this woman ever have discouraged her children the way she was discouraging herself?

As we move into February, a month synonymous with love of others, consider your not-so-sexy behavior of self-abandonment. Self-love involves commitment to oneself.  One path to self-love is your yoga practice.  When you do yoga, you make space. Space to breathe, space for your organs to function more efficiently and effectively, space to feel, and, mainly, space to love. Space to love and breathe into whatever is happening in your life and space to remember that you are enough—exactly as you are. This love is the foundation of a good solid relationship with oneself.

The next time you notice that you are withholding approval from yourself, speaking unkindly to yourself, or acting hatefully toward yourself in general, ask yourself if you would treat your child–or any child–in the same way.

Despite your answer, just being aware of the voices within is a starting point on the path.

This magazine cracks me up.  Who lives in these Ladies’ worlds?   Where is this enchanted land where all people are pretty-in-an-unthreatening way, and live in perfectly clean, decorated homes with perfectly behaved children? Perhaps the lady of the house is a kindergarden teacher, or she makes bread every day from scratch. But one thing is for sure:  She always, always, enters every room offering a freshly-baked pie.

I began to feel inferior on page 78, where a serene looking mom of five (!) was describing how she made personalized napkin holders for her guests at her dinner parties.  (At parties at my house, napkins are an afterthought – I generally toss around a roll of paper towels and yell, “Here, grab one!”)  Plus, I saw a picture of her pantry, and she had not one blue box of macaroni and cheese! I felt an urge to go home and put up window treatments.  Or organize my linen closet.   (Which I quickly dismissed because just the thought of both options exhausted me.)

These people really need yoga.

Based on the other articles offered in the magazine, I gathered that the being one of the “Ladies” required much organization and selflessness.  In between “Walking off 10 Pounds,” and “How to Give Him Intimacy”  (intimacy = code for sex, for those of us not in the know,)  I spotted an article on how to stay calm during moments of stress.  Among several techniques was this gem:  Take notes during intense conversations.

I was floored.  First of all, I suspect if a significant other whipped out a notepad during a knock-down-drag-out, the effect would probably not be calming.  Second, not anywhere in this article was the mention of breathing or yogic techniques for stress reduction.  (Although there was a suggestion to see your doctor to see if you’d qualify for adult ADHD medication!)

Almost every medical professional or website out there touts the benefits of yoga for stress reduction, strength and health.  As a yogi myself, I can’t imagine what my life would be like without my yoga practice:  I’m pretty sure I’d be way more of a mess than I am now. 

But here’s the thing: While the bliss of yoga seem instantaneous after a particularly delicious class, it’s not a quick fix or magic pill:   It is a process, one which takes time – and one day, voila, you realize that the work you do on the mat is beginning to effect your daily life.  Perhaps you might notice you don’t feel wounded when someone cuts you off in traffic.  Or, you may have a different perspective during an intense conversation (no notepad needed!). You might even find yourself living a life that is less affected by past trauma or events.

In my own practice, I don’t recall when it happened, but I now possess an ease – in life, with family, in work – that wasn’t there even three years ago.  I attribute much of this ease to yoga.

So keep coming to the mat in 2012; the benefits may be subtle, but they do happen.  That’s why they call it a practice.

See you at the studio,

Jen, Twist Yogini from Downtown Edmonds

* In general, I try not to begin sentences with things like:  “I was reading Ladies’ Home Journal and…..”  This ranks right up there with:  “I was listening to John Tesh when…”  -or- “I was watching The Lord of The Dance live, when Michael Flatley….”   While I try to be hip and cool, doing so betrays my cool mask and displays my true nature: Middle-aged nerd mom.

Just in case  you’re not convinced of yoga’s good graces, here’s an excerpt from a recent Mayo Clinic study.  Read the full article at http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/yoga/CM00004

The potential health benefits of yoga are numerous and may include:

Stress reduction. With its quiet, precise movements, yoga draws your focus away from your busy, chaotic day and toward calm as you move your body through poses that require balance and concentration.

Increased fitness. As you learn and refine new poses, you may enjoy improved balance, flexibility, range of motion and strength. And this means you’re less likely to injure yourself in other physical endeavors or in your daily activities.

Management of chronic health conditions. Yoga might help with a variety of health conditions, such as cancer, depression, pain, anxiety and insomnia, by helping with sleep problems, fatigue and mood. Yoga also can help reduce heart rate and blood pressure.

Weight loss. If you’re overweight or have binge-eating disorder, yoga may help you make the healthy lifestyle changes necessary to gain control of your eating and drop those extra pounds.

While you shouldn’t expect yoga to cure you or offer 100 percent relief, it can help some health conditions when combined with standard treatment. And if you already enjoy good health, yoga can be an enjoyable supplement to your regular fitness routine.

Seriously.  Since when has shopping become a sport?  Between the foot race from the entrance to the electronics department, to the boxing match to claim choice items, our fellow consumers have become competitors.  (Only slightly more alarming is the emergence of competitive eating as an valid sport, complete with ESPN airtime.)

The whole thing makes me feel dirty….

… Which is why I felt conflicted over my Black Friday plans. A friend and I arranged to enjoy a morning yoga class and brunch at Red Twig, then we would hit the shops in Downtown Edmonds….. to spend!  I had big guilt over caving the marketing machine, but like an addict, shopping satisfied something deep.  We eased our conscience by vowing to shop locally, but I must admit, it was a little disturbing how much I was looking forward to it. I even planned on retiring early on Thursday as to have enough vigor to shop.  (Really.)

But I was about to be taught a big lesson about what abundance should mean:   Having enough, which ironically was the theme of Gratitude Yoga on Thanksgiving morning.

Still basking in the euphoria of said Gratitude class, I ran across the street to grab a cup of tea before sitting down to do the week’s paperwork.  In the two minutes I was gone, BAM!:  my wallet –containing cash, my ATM & credit cards- was stolen from the studio. And, since every bank’s fraud department was closed for the holiday weekend, I was left with no way to purchase anything.

Does God have a sense of humor, or what?

So I spent the weekend not shopping.  Instead, I got creative:  It was surprisingly easy to fashion a homemade wreath out of a few cedar branches I clipped off my backyard tree.  (A $15 savings from the Trader Joe’s wreath I buy every year.)  Instead of grabbing the usual grocery store ($12) bouquet,  I made another wreath as a hostess gift for a dinner party I attended on Saturday night.  My daughter and I scrapped our matinee plans (At least $30!)  and invited a school friend over for crafts ($0 – newspapers from the recycle bin & an old jar of Mod Podge).

Meals were a bigger challenge:  I’m no chef, and generally make daily runs to the grocery, so our fridge is perpetually empty.  I definitely felt a sense of pride whipping up a decent (ok, passable) soup from a dusty can of white beans and wilted vegetables from the fridge – which would normally end up in the compost.

I’ll admit, by the end of the weekend I had a smug sense of satisfaction on my resourcefulness.  But let’s face it:  Fashioning an art project or a meal out of scraps isn’t quite so novel if, like many folks, “making due” is an everyday reality instead of a weekend experiment with a solution as near as the next business day.

Experiencing a no-spend weekend made me realize how much I relied on spending to combat boredom, to make my life “easier” (hello, PCC deli counter), and to soothe depression and anxiety. I clearly needed to re-evaluate my relationship to money.

So I got to thinking:  What if I challenged myself to live this way for 30 days, during the biggest spending month of the year?

And the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was the right path to take.  As of a week ago, from November 24-December 24, I am in the midst of a “No-Spend December*.”

I realize this is not going to be easy.  Even as I write, I’m grieving the absence of my post-workout ritual — a black tea latte from my local coffee shop.

I will be making regular posts about my experiences on this blog – The challenges, successes (and of course, meltdowns), of this project.  The next post?  The ground rules & the first week.

*   In full disclosure, I had already purchased my daughter Christmas gifts on a November trip to New York City. The decision to do this would be much more difficult if I had to forgo a child’s holiday gifts. 

Those who attended classes during those weeks can attest to the fly’s presence. In landing on every single student, I’ve got to wonder if he thought he was being friendly: “Oh, hello! It’s good to see you again,” I can imagine him thinking. “I haven’t seen you since last week.”

My first inclination was to smash it with a newspaper….. But. We’re yogis. And we’re supposed to practice ahimsa, non harming. And: I’m the owner of this studio; certainly I couldn’t hurt a fly!

Several of us attempted the catch and release technique, but despite our best efforts, none of us could capture the little guy. He was quick!

Conundrum.

I knew the creature was bothering students, and I felt the need to provide our students with a pleasant environment, but I felt the need to walk the yoga walk. Never have I suffered so over the life of a fly. It was absurd.

My great grandmama Watson would’ve looked at me plum sideways. I can picture her, fanning herself on the porch in the heat of a South Carolina August day: “Child! You betta done kill that fly,” she would’ve exclaimed, in her think Southern accent. “It might right lay eggs in the flour.” But then again, Mama Watson came of age around the turn of the last century, when the soul of an insect was of little concern compared to, say, weevils in her cotton crops. I’m sure she’s rolling her eyes at me in the hereafter.

The fly finally met his maker when, after a particularly crowded Sunday morning class, a student had enough and smushed it with a tissue. (Thank you, Ann.)

The moral of the story, of course, is about fulfilling one’s duty (or dharma, in Hinduism). As the keeper of Twist Yoga, it is my duty to provide a sacred space for our students. I should’ve done what I had to do to live my dharma. Instead, I was a wuss about removing the fly because I feared folks wouldn’t see me as a “good yogi.”

The same lesson is taught in The Bhagavad Gita, a sacred text that is on our teacher training reading list. A Cliff Notes* version is that Arjuna, a warrior, finds himself in the precarious position of defending the crown, even though he didn’t want to fight and kill. In a series of conversations with Lord Krishna, he comes to realize that his dharma in his life is to fight so that he may restore good in the battle between good and evil.

So, the next time you’re considering a decision – big or small – consider your dharma. Would the consequences of that decision align with your duty in life?

* Many thanks to Twist Yogini Heather, who helped me understand the “Gita” during a recent lunch at Red Twig. She put it in terms I could understand: “Your dharma right now is that of being a mother, right?” She asked. “So, running off with an Italian underwear model wouldn’t fit with that dharma….. even though it would be really great!” — (There’s a reason she’s the lead teacher of Twist Yoga Teacher Training with Heather Falkin!)

This feeling of spacious time is what we gain from restorative yoga – both physically and mentally. I first came to restorative yoga 20 years ago as an injured dancer. I had practiced Iyengar style yoga for many years but had never heard of restorative yoga. After my injury, I was frustrated by my inability to do any of the things that mattered to me.  But day after day, my path took me past the door of a yoga studio and when I walked by, the students were reclining over all these props in complete serenity.  My mind and body hungered for that peace.

I joined the studio and began taking restorative classes. I tried the gentle classes but even those were beyond the ability of my injured body. During one of my first restorative classes we did a supported twist and my back could barely manage even that, despite being supported by a mountain of props and blankets. Lying there in my barely-a-twist I felt the reality of my injury for the first time and wept quietly.

But I found peace. I learned the super secret restorative arts of blanket folding and bolster stacking and surprised myself by falling in love with this quiet practice. It gave me space to heal.

Yes, but if you are injury-free, whole and healthy, why do restorative yoga? If you are looking for rest, can’t you just catch a quick nap on the couch for the same effect?

No, you can’t, it turns out. “Let’s face it: Some yoga poses taste a little bit sweeter than others. And if yoga were a smorgasbord, restorative postures would most definitely be at the dessert table,” says Claudia Cummins in Yoga Journal (February 2011), but that comparison to dessert, however apt, makes restorative poses sound like something fluffy you might be better off skipping like the brownie sundae after the solid nutrition of dinner.But here are some of the powerful health benefits you get specifically from restorative yoga:

Restorative yoga, like meditation, encourages your brain to produce alpha and theta wave patterns, known to promote overall health and healing, and balance your usual waking beta state with greater objectivity and equanimity.

Restorative yoga, like Yin Yoga, allows your muscles to relax completely taking the stretch into your connective tissues.

Restorative yoga, if you are injured or coping with a chronic condition, allows you to continue your yoga practice safely.

Restorative yoga, unlike a quick nap on the couch, creates a sacred space for you to nurture and support your body with loving attention. Rather than vacating, you more completely inhabit your body-a true yoga practice, yoking together body, mind and breath.

Restorative yoga, like savasana, completes your practice, balancing the more active poses.

Twist Yoga is a rare studio that values the practice enough to offer it as a regular class. A student recently stated,  “I started at Twist purely for the Restorative yoga class over a year ago and it is the one class that is very dear to my heart.  I am extremely Type A, energetic, hard to settle down and strong but inflexible.   Restorative has changed that. It has enhanced my regular physical practice by loosening overly tight muscles and releasing strain not to mention the incredible mental benefits I have received.  Without Restorative, my practice would not be as beautiful as it is.”

The chance to teach Restorative Yoga was one of the factors that brought me to Twist. If you are curious about Restorative Yoga I hope you’ll join us at Twist each Friday night at 6:45PM and begin the weekend fully rested and rejuvenated. I look forward to seeing you there.

This I snapped at Claire the other morning, when, for the umpteenth time in five minutes, she asked, ‘but why can’t I wear my princess shoes to school?’

Even as the words spilled out of my mouth, I could feel myself cringe… for I swore I’d NEVER say these things to my kids. I was far too evolved to be that kind of mom (this I pronounced to myself before I had a child – ha!).

When my daughter (apparently now named “Young Lady”) was born, one of the things I wished for her, aside for the usual health, happiness and a nice liberal-arts education, was to be free from lame parental clichés.

And here I was, not only dipping into the bucket of ineffective parenting phrases, but embracing them with gusto:   “N-O, No!”  “Don’t make me stop this car!”  “Just because Ava drinks soda with her lunch doesn’t mean you should!”  

Once I recovered from the realization that I had become my mother, I got to thinking about my daughter’s need for answers. I had interpreted her questioning as a challenge to my authority, but like most children, inquisitive is Claire’s middle name – knowing the why and the how of everything makes her feel safe.  It is safe to say that this child will never become a philosophy major.

Being of the same concrete/sequential need-to-know persuasion, when I started practicing yoga 12 years ago, I kept coming back to the mat because it made me feel better; although at the time, I’ll admit I held back because I couldn’t wrap my brain around how or why the practice worked.

I continued to go to class, but until I had proof of the hows and whys, I wasn’t able to let go and let yoga be effective.  I think back to how much I stood in my own way during those years…..  Audibly sigh during a pose?  Hell-to-the-no.  I was far too cool to do that.  It was too obscure…. too new age-y…. too “yoga.”

But had known about the 2005 NIH medical study that proved that sighing laboratory rats had a significantly lower stress response, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about participating. (And begets another question:  Rats sigh!? Moreover, what kind of person can discern the noises a rat makes?)

Ten years later, I am now audibly sighing in yoga class…  and it feels great.

So, for all you pragmatic, inquisitive types, just keep coming to the mat.  Along the way, you just might come across pieces of evidence that support the effects of yoga. Or maybe, your own sense of well being, strength and mindfulness as a result of your practice will be proof enough.

Also, our teachers at Twist Yoga are excellent sources of information – they’re all highly trained, and I promise, they’ll never answer, “Because I said so, that’s why!”

Maybe I’m too much of a pragmatist, but all things “faux” give me the willies. At best, they’re distracting and confusing to our nervous system.  At worst, they’re deadly (umm, saccharin, anyone?)  Take “Faux Finishes,” for example.  I mean really, has anyone ever mistaken a sponged-applied paint job for the traditional stucco of a 19^th century Tuscan villa?

Same with fake nails.  I’ve been told the expensive, good quality ones look authentic, but a few years back I had a cheap set of acrylics applied.  For weeks, I couldn’t shake their resemblance to the thick toenail fungus I picked up when living in a fraternity one summer during college.  Who was I fooling?  In my attempt to look fancy, I instead resembled a person in need of an aggressive antibiotic treatment.

Naturally, then, as I set off last week for another week long retreat to Breitenbush, an off-the-grid hot springs resort in the Oregon mountains, one of the things I was looking forward to the most was the absence of sensory stimulus.

Our typical day is filled with artificial light, computer screens, television sounds and tastes or smells that can’t be found in nature. Life is so full of distractions that our nervous systems are on constant overdrive. We are constantly prepared for battle, and that leaves little room for the good stuff:  Experiencing, feeling, and being at ease.

At a place like Breitenbush, where stimulus is limited to the sun on your face and the sounds of the river and authentic conversation, you realize how literally and figuratively loud life is.  When you take away that chaos, combined with daily yoga and clean food, there is room to think, process and make decisions about what really matters.

It’s not easy for some; we are so conditioned to be comfortable in distraction that the space to think is just too much.  (My first visit was exhausting!) But once you make peace with what it’s like to feel – the experience is rejuvenating, refreshing and relaxing….

…..Then you have to come home.  And re-entry is tough.

One hour out of the retreat, our carpool made a pit stop at a McDonald’s to use the restroom, where I was assaulted, literally, by the sickly-sweet smell of air freshener.

Instantly, I was irritated.  What I should’ve asked myself was: “How does one take lessons learned at a retreat and apply them when life is coming at you fast?”

Instead I blurt out:  “Who the hell thinks this smell is a better option than poo?!  I can still smell shit, it’s just now combined with this hideous, fruity crap!”

So much for serenity.

See you at the studio, where we use only naturally scented products.

Jen, Twist Yoga in Downtown Edmonds

PS.  For those of you with a retreat to Breitenbush on your wish list, consider attending our Summer, 2012 retreat with Heather and Jen.